Scott Laughlin recently announced his running mate for president, ISU President Dr. Al Bowman. (Photo by Katy Whisman/WJBC)
My fellow Americans,
I thank you for allowing me this opportunity to announce that I am running for President of the United States of America. The President is a servant of today, but his true constituency is the future and that’s what I am here to change. If I were to be elected President I have some big changes coming your way. Allow me to express those changes here and now:
1. I will get rid of death row. Electric bleachers instead. No more waiting.
2. I will protect our borders from the Canadian geese. There will be giant nets at the border to keep them out. Just say no to goose poop.
3. I will make the day after the Super Bowl a holiday. Recover from the big game Monday!!
4. I will ask other countries for as much foreign aid as possible. We have already given way too much money to other countries, we deserve to get our money back!
5. Free pizza Fridays. Doubt my surgeon general will approve but we could always have gluten free pizza!
6. Leave some children behind: What would this country do if all kids were straight A students? We must allow some to lag behind to do some remedial service jobs. Someone has to pick up after us at Disney World.
7. Unlimited data plans for all with no charge. This is the age of technology; let’s make it available for everyone.
That is just the start of the changes I will implement if you elect me as the next President of the United States of America.
I want to be what the Founders of this country wanted us to become. A revolutionary, an inspiration for others and able to drink my rum without taxation.
By the power invested in me, my name is Scott Laughlin and I am A-OK with this message.
Laura Ewan can be reached at email@example.com